Secrets and Shame – and the Fruitful Five

I was on the phone with an old friend recently who told me his wife is writing a book about family secrets, how lies and secrets create shame and unhappiness. We discussed how tragic this seems when we look back from a new generation’s perspective.

Secrets

It made me think about the power in the word and concept of SECRETS. A huge sense of shame can build up when you keep something secret that is better shared.

The actual information can swell in importance just because it must be kept hidden, or isn’t addressed, leading to shame.

Elephants

Recently I received a letter from an old friend. She courageously broached a subject we’d both studiously avoided for years. The elephant in the room, in a way.

Three things stood out for me from her letter, apart from the actual message:

• How the topic had gained an exaggerated emotional importance for both of us just from being avoided.
• In her Britishness, she communicated in a careful indirect way. Trying not to be unkind, she made her message extremely UNclear.
• But, much more significant – and this is the real gift to us both – what a relief to address the topic at last!

Openness

Being open and willing to address the elephant in the room, release a secret, discuss an issue, share an ambition or a concern, is an act of courage.

It can create better relationships and teamwork faster, just because we recognise the courage it took.

Laugh

Laughter is such a tonic. If we had found something to laugh about together in the situation years ago, we’d have avoided getting stuck in a “who’s right and who’s wrong” impasse.

Shared laughter crosses cultural barriers.

It creates endorphins, as well as friendships. We need to encourage these.

Key Words for 2020

As my gift to you for 2020 and the new decade, I’d like to offer you my Fruitful Five Key Words to guide your communication as a leader and role model to others.

To promote relationships in leadership, work and life that are more fruitful for all concerned.

Here they are.

Five Empowering Words for 2020

1. Openness
   Be open to other views. Have the courage to enjoy a bracing discussion. Mix with some that don’t share your views. Treasure those that disagree and make you think.
2. Communication
   Share information, your opinions. Ask their views. Discuss. And listen better. Conversations produce better relationships, more understanding and, in the end, increased wisdom.
3. Laughter
   Encourage shared laughter. Be ready to laugh at yourself, especially when you see you’re being pompous or bossy. Remember the endorphins and friendships that it creates.
4. Courage
   Broach the tricky subjects. Feel the fear and go ahead for the sake of even better outcomes. Step outside the comfort zone for the sake of being honest or sincere. This doesn’t mean a licence to be unkind or thoughtless.
5. Forgiveness
   Forgive more easily. We all make mistakes. And be ready to apologise when you have been wrong – it makes it much easier for the other to forgive and forget.

Are you ready?

Whatever YOUR aspirations and goals, working with a neutral external partner helps. A business coach who challenges and supports you, who asks questions that move you forward powerfully, making space for your valuable reflection.

If you are ready to make a changes to your leadership style, do things differently, contact me.

I help you get crystal clarity on where you REALLY want to be and what’s stopping you, a review of your positioning, purpose and time-frame. You go away with ideas and options, inspiration and action steps to make it happen.

Take the first step now.

 

Click here to book an informal chat to discover how I can help you. Or you can contact me via the contact form here.